The other day I got the following question from a guy working the dating scene. Let's call him John. John basically said he had gone on one or two dates with a gal, had a couple phone conversations or text conversations with her, and pretty much knew this woman was never going to ever get the opportunity to run for the girlfriend presidency. Of course he'd be down for a fling, or maybe a friendship, but that was about it. I asked what the deal breaker was and he basically said she had a pretty face and a nice personality but he just felt like she wasn't smart enough for him for the long term. He sees himself with a smarter lady in his future vision. John wanted to know how to tell her.
First of all, I just want to offer gratitude as a woman to John! We deal with so many men who 1) do not communicate that we are not girlfriend material to them or 2) just ghost us.
Save women time by being direct, while putting it in a sweet way that spares her feelings more. Additionally, this saves you time, gets you further towards yours goals, and can help you a) create friendships, b) potentially create a good reputation in that lady's mind, which possibly could come back to help you someday.
Here is the etiquette guide to rejecting a girl:
This is the guide for you if you fit into this category: You meet all of the following: you've been on 1-3 dates or in-person-meetings, you haven't been sexual, and you don't have a super strong relationship by text, messaging, letters, or some other method that I've neglected to think of here. Basically, you're in that initial getting to know you stage, and maybe had some exploratory kisses and opening up conversations. You haven't established a strong level of implied interest. Maybe just some basic interest. (If you've gotten sexual in any form, you should probably take her out for desert or something indulgent and be firm about it not working out, but compassionate and kind. But this guide is not about that level of intimacy.)
Here's what you do:
Because you've met in person, you owe her some words indicating you're not interested if you are not. Otherwise you are leaving her hanging and going through her own personal hell wondering if you're coming back and what she did wrong. So, you're going to call tell her over the phone. Remember that old fashioned way of communicating? Because who wants to hang out with someone just to be dumped by a 2 date wonder? It wastes her time. Text is also not recommended cause things can easily be misinterpreted with out a voice tone. Also, if you call her on the phone, it stands the best chance of ending amicably which will serve you well in the future. It often will not end amicably, but that's OK. She'll be fine. After two dates, you're just not that big of a deal. Just a temporary bruise to her ego.
You could call at the end of the day, say around 7 or 8 and ask what she's up to tonight. If she's not doing something that requires her to shine, ask if she can chat right now. If not, try to set a day and time. Make it a convenient time for her, at the end of her work day. Not before she has to do something important, like lead a group, go on a date, play in a tournament, or go back to work. On the phone, tell her around 3 things you really like about her, but that you just don't see yourself becoming her boyfriend (this makes it about you, not her). You can be honest about why, but be concise, and only tell it to her if it's not insulting. For example: "I think you're extremely hot, you're super clever, and I enjoy our conversations, but I just can't see myself becoming your boyfriend. I know you don't want to have kids, and so I just can't see us as compatible long term."
If it's something insulting, like you don't like her body, or you don't think she's smart enough for you, or you don't know why, you can say "I just feel in my gut that we're not compatible" as the last sentence in the above monologue. It's actually true. Who can argue with that? It's probably the kindest thing you can say. Be firm, don't give her any maybe's. That helps release her, and yourself, to find new love. You can help her get closure by answering her questions and telling her that "someone is going to be so ecstatic to be with you," but try really hard not to lead her on. Don't make her think there's any possibility of you two getting together (even if there is that possibility). You don't have to take her out to tell her this in person when you guys have only been on 3 dates. It wastes her time and yours, and feels awkward for her, too. If you GENUINELY want to be friends with her, you can also add, "But I'd love to be friends with you, and go (insert activity you'd both enjoy) soon with you." At the end of the talk, if you really do want to be friends, ask, "Do you want me to call you sometime to hang out?" "Hang out" is very friend-sounding. And "Do you want" allows her to express what she'd prefer, rather than asking permission with "Can I." Please note that she may say yes just to be polite. You'll have to feel that out later.
Rejecting women so you don't settle for the wrong gal is part of the process to success, just like getting rejected by women. It's the path towards drawing in that amazing woman, the woman it's so easy to love and be loved by. So to recap: if you've only been on a few dates, and haven't sexually bonded her to you, the best method to call it off is phone. Keep it concise, give her compliments, but make sure you tell her you don't see yourself becoming her boyfriend. Voila. No big deal. Maybe uncomfortable in the moment, but you'll both be fine in the end.
P.S. If your interaction with this woman only consists of texts, messages, or emails (or snail mail letters, how cool that you live in the 1800s!), then it can also end by written word as well. I would expect it to.
What's your experience been like rejecting women? Also leave any questions you want advice on, with as much detail as possible!
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