So, you’ve spotted an attractive girl across the room at a bar, or better yet, a meetup (find fun things to do on meetup.com). Or maybe you see her at a party, in a class, out dancing, or at a show. Here’s 8 steps to getting that date.
1. Release outcome. If she says no, you’re one step closer to meeting others who will say yes. You got to fight a lot of battles to win the war. She’s not that big of a deal. She has flaws. And you’re getting mad skills from your practice. Reward your actions, not your results, and you will keep taking action
2. Next, start up a conversation with her for a few minutes. But for a basic conversation I’d recommend the indirect approach which means comment on something interesting about the place you’re at or what your doing, and ask her something related. Then ask questions off of that and share related things about yourself. Bonus points if you open with a simple closed question, and then move on to questions that don’t have simple answers, but get her talking. Example: You: Whew, I’m tired from all this dancing! Are you?
Her: Yeah, a little!
You: What do you love about dancing?
Her: It’s a great workout and it’s fun!
You: Yeah, I’ve never been so in shape in my life. How did you first come to Salsa?
During this first conversation, try to talk about something she’s passionate about. Either the thing you’re doing, or something else she does for fun or enjoys. Don’t bring up work, even if she does. Unless she’s obviously lit up about her job. When you find out something she’s passionate about, ask her what she loves about it. This is much more interesting than asking where she likes to bike or what she likes to cook. Those are more fact-finding questions. They’re fine, but when you ask what someone loves about something, or what she really wants to do in that arena, it really stimulates her emotional brain. You’re asking her what she feels. You should also share what you love about it. This does several things:
4. Tell her “I like talking to you.” This establishes the motive for you asking her out without being too aggressive or sexual and scaring her off, but still giving her a compliment. Then say something like, “I’d love to take you out for gelato and hang out on the beach sometime” or “take you out for some beer and bowling sometime” or “take you out for a mocha latte and a walk in the park sometime,” etc. Then say, “My treat, because I want to get to know you better.” Notice the confident language here and the creativity and enticement. It’s not “meet me for coffee/tea” stuff. You are treating, it’s something more compelling than coffee, also the date is a higher time commitment, which, if you met this girl in person and you had an initial conversation, you already know you don’t want to run away after 10 minutes. If you spend more time together on the first date, she’s more likely to subconsciously invest in you, because she already gave you a chunk of her time. It’s something called a sunk cost effect. What you invest in you tend to get more attached to what you invested in.
The offering to take her out and provide makes you look successful and sexy, and it taps into her attraction to provider males with resources, which is just evolutionary biology. Disagree with me all you want, but in my years of study and survey I’ve found many women agree. While there’s some women who are offended if you insist on paying, there are other women who will see you as way less attractive if you don’t. However, 72% of women in Time’s survey of over 4,000 people, wanted a guy to pay on the first date. And some evolutionary biologists believe that it’s been in women’s nature or nurture to seek out a provider male to couple with because their children had the highest chance of surviving. Additionally, men have been in the provider role for thousands of years across many cultures. There could be some genetic or social programming in women that looks for hints that a man could be a good provider. If there’s a biological program for women to be attracted to men who can hint at provider capacity, then that’s not going to change as quickly as we change on a cultural and surface level. So when you pay, you become more sexy to many women. And it’s cheap to pay: Mocha and the park is like $10 for both of you. I don’t know where you’re at, but I live in the super liberal Bay Area and this topic about paying is constantly under debate. It’s rare that a man offers to pay here, and when he does, he really stands out as romantic and exceptional. When offering to pay, use the words, “because I want to get to know you better” because women don’t want to feel that you expect sex because you paid, but they want to see that you are generous, and the word “because” is a psychological impact word that helps convince people you have good intentions, which of course you have!
5. Get her number.
6. CALL her. Don’t text. You call because she’s way less likely to ghost you. It’s hard to create chemistry by text and it can even kill it. The phone is great because she can hear your sexy voice and real human presence which is harder to write off and easier to connect with. You can call anytime between an hour after you met (as long as it’s before 10 pm) to 2 days later. Don’t wait too long or it makes you look like you’re trying to play it cool, are too busy to be fun, or are a player.
7. You should have a day, time, and place already in your mind that you want to invite her to when you call. It should be within 5-7 days from your call, so a) you seem to have a full and fulfilled life (okay, you’re playing it cool a little bit, but you’ve let her know she’s in your plans), b) gives her time to plan for it c) gives her time to anticipate it. D) isn’t so far that the chemistry dies. Here’s a opening on the phone: Smile, and say “Hey, it’s John from the club. How are you?” Chat for a little bit, then say, “I was wondering if you would like to join me for gelato at Los Gatos Gelato Company this Thursday at 7.” Let’s break down this sentence and why it works: A specific day, time, & place: This a specific event and therefore it’s scare (only happens once), and it’s available for a limited time. It’s also assertive and masculine to be a man with a plan & know what you want. Also it helps her visualize it.
8. If she says she’s busy, say, “Ok” and pause and if she doesn’t offer an alternate time, offer her one more alternate time. If she says she can’t make that, say “Well, next time, then.” End it on a high note, saying “Alright well I gotta go but it was nice talking to you! See you around!” You can invite her to something else again in 2 weeks, as she may prioritize you differently then, she may have decided against another person she was seeing. If she says she’s busy again, write her off. You should be pursuing others at the same time so she’s not too big of a deal. Basically the bottom line is, you’re offering some times, but you’re also listening to see if she’s going to make time for you, or if she’s just not interested. Now you have more time for dates with others!