Dating coach Lauren Everly here covering the topic of how soon do you text her. So I would say definitely text her or call her within 2 days. That is hands down. This is no longer the era of the three-day wait rule. That just makes you look like you're playing games. 3 days is definitely too long so make some time in your schedule. I would text her within a couple hours of when you finished hanging out. Even as soon as an hour after you hang out. The exception to this is that I would wait until it's before 10 p.m. because it's just more gentlemanly. After 10 p.m. is a little bit more impolite. If it's going to be after 10, maybe let her do it for the first time. You just come off as a better caliber of guy, so she's going to see you as higher-quality in her mind.
Also call her within 24 hours: this really sets you apart. There's going to be a lot of guys texting her. Women get a lot more attention than guys on average. So by calling her, are you set yourself apart and you can convey that warm human tone and keep the chemistry going. It can be really hard to keep the chemistry going via text. And if you want to know what to say via text before you call her, go to http://LaurenEverly.com and I have a free guide there with three simple texts that enhance her attraction for you. So go there and get that guide before you even text her. If you met her at night you could text her or call her the next morning. Calling is also good because honestly text messages can fail to go through, even in this day and age. There's three reasons why to contact within 24 hours. Number one is it establishes that you're not playing games and that's important, because it sets you as a higher quality of man, and number two, subconsciously, it says to her that you're not going to be too busy to be fun. Show her you're not overloaded too much with work even if you are, and show her you can make a little time for romance and fun. The third reason is that it shows that you’re not a huge player. At least it would indicate more that you're not because if you have too many girls in your life that you just can't get around to calling her, it’s not going to be a good thing for her. She wants to know you're not a heartbreaker.
In addition to all the reasons listed above, I realized that the number one reason you shouldn't wait too long to text her is because you have got to strike while the iron is hot, before things fizzle out. Additionally, the hotter the girl, the faster she will get stolen away from you if you wait too long. Join my mailing list so you can have access to an insider perspective, and get that girl before she gets snatched up.
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In my experience, when I've suspected I'm subconciously testing men, I've noticed it's in situations where a man I'm dating wants to do something that's against my current values. I make it clear that it's against my values, but I'm also supporting him exploring that. However, if he keeps exploring it, and I find that my values aren't changing or evolving with him, then he's not right for me. Watch the video to learn more.
So, you’ve spotted an attractive girl across the room at a bar, or better yet, a meetup (find fun things to do on meetup.com). Or maybe you see her at a party, in a class, out dancing, or at a show. Here’s 8 steps to getting that date.
1. Release outcome. If she says no, you’re one step closer to meeting others who will say yes. You got to fight a lot of battles to win the war. She’s not that big of a deal. She has flaws. And you’re getting mad skills from your practice. Reward your actions, not your results, and you will keep taking action
2. Next, start up a conversation with her for a few minutes. But for a basic conversation I’d recommend the indirect approach which means comment on something interesting about the place you’re at or what your doing, and ask her something related. Then ask questions off of that and share related things about yourself. Bonus points if you open with a simple closed question, and then move on to questions that don’t have simple answers, but get her talking. Example: You: Whew, I’m tired from all this dancing! Are you?
Her: Yeah, a little!
You: What do you love about dancing?
Her: It’s a great workout and it’s fun!
You: Yeah, I’ve never been so in shape in my life. How did you first come to Salsa?
During this first conversation, try to talk about something she’s passionate about. Either the thing you’re doing, or something else she does for fun or enjoys. Don’t bring up work, even if she does. Unless she’s obviously lit up about her job. When you find out something she’s passionate about, ask her what she loves about it. This is much more interesting than asking where she likes to bike or what she likes to cook. Those are more fact-finding questions. They’re fine, but when you ask what someone loves about something, or what she really wants to do in that arena, it really stimulates her emotional brain. You’re asking her what she feels. You should also share what you love about it. This does several things:
4. Tell her “I like talking to you.” This establishes the motive for you asking her out without being too aggressive or sexual and scaring her off, but still giving her a compliment. Then say something like, “I’d love to take you out for gelato and hang out on the beach sometime” or “take you out for some beer and bowling sometime” or “take you out for a mocha latte and a walk in the park sometime,” etc. Then say, “My treat, because I want to get to know you better.” Notice the confident language here and the creativity and enticement. It’s not “meet me for coffee/tea” stuff. You are treating, it’s something more compelling than coffee, also the date is a higher time commitment, which, if you met this girl in person and you had an initial conversation, you already know you don’t want to run away after 10 minutes. If you spend more time together on the first date, she’s more likely to subconsciously invest in you, because she already gave you a chunk of her time. It’s something called a sunk cost effect. What you invest in you tend to get more attached to what you invested in.
The offering to take her out and provide makes you look successful and sexy, and it taps into her attraction to provider males with resources, which is just evolutionary biology. Disagree with me all you want, but in my years of study and survey I’ve found many women agree. While there’s some women who are offended if you insist on paying, there are other women who will see you as way less attractive if you don’t. However, 72% of women in Time’s survey of over 4,000 people, wanted a guy to pay on the first date. And some evolutionary biologists believe that it’s been in women’s nature or nurture to seek out a provider male to couple with because their children had the highest chance of surviving. Additionally, men have been in the provider role for thousands of years across many cultures. There could be some genetic or social programming in women that looks for hints that a man could be a good provider. If there’s a biological program for women to be attracted to men who can hint at provider capacity, then that’s not going to change as quickly as we change on a cultural and surface level. So when you pay, you become more sexy to many women. And it’s cheap to pay: Mocha and the park is like $10 for both of you. I don’t know where you’re at, but I live in the super liberal Bay Area and this topic about paying is constantly under debate. It’s rare that a man offers to pay here, and when he does, he really stands out as romantic and exceptional. When offering to pay, use the words, “because I want to get to know you better” because women don’t want to feel that you expect sex because you paid, but they want to see that you are generous, and the word “because” is a psychological impact word that helps convince people you have good intentions, which of course you have!
5. Get her number.
6. CALL her. Don’t text. You call because she’s way less likely to ghost you. It’s hard to create chemistry by text and it can even kill it. The phone is great because she can hear your sexy voice and real human presence which is harder to write off and easier to connect with. You can call anytime between an hour after you met (as long as it’s before 10 pm) to 2 days later. Don’t wait too long or it makes you look like you’re trying to play it cool, are too busy to be fun, or are a player.
7. You should have a day, time, and place already in your mind that you want to invite her to when you call. It should be within 5-7 days from your call, so a) you seem to have a full and fulfilled life (okay, you’re playing it cool a little bit, but you’ve let her know she’s in your plans), b) gives her time to plan for it c) gives her time to anticipate it. D) isn’t so far that the chemistry dies. Here’s a opening on the phone: Smile, and say “Hey, it’s John from the club. How are you?” Chat for a little bit, then say, “I was wondering if you would like to join me for gelato at Los Gatos Gelato Company this Thursday at 7.” Let’s break down this sentence and why it works: A specific day, time, & place: This a specific event and therefore it’s scare (only happens once), and it’s available for a limited time. It’s also assertive and masculine to be a man with a plan & know what you want. Also it helps her visualize it.
8. If she says she’s busy, say, “Ok” and pause and if she doesn’t offer an alternate time, offer her one more alternate time. If she says she can’t make that, say “Well, next time, then.” End it on a high note, saying “Alright well I gotta go but it was nice talking to you! See you around!” You can invite her to something else again in 2 weeks, as she may prioritize you differently then, she may have decided against another person she was seeing. If she says she’s busy again, write her off. You should be pursuing others at the same time so she’s not too big of a deal. Basically the bottom line is, you’re offering some times, but you’re also listening to see if she’s going to make time for you, or if she’s just not interested. Now you have more time for dates with others!
When interacting with a woman, it’s great to have a playful interaction. Women like people who are silly and fun and make them feel like they’re a kid playing their favorite game and winning. Play is super attractive and under-used. When you approach have the mindset that it will be enjoyable and fun and light, and you’re 90% there. After you approach her with a casual question, listen, respond and introduce yourself, it’s time for the silliness or play. One way to do this is to lightly tease her, in a way that won’t make her feel bad, but instead just laugh at the silliness of what you said. For example, you can stereotype her in a way that obviously isn’t true. A great example is, “Oh, you’re a country girl? So, how often do you marry your cousin?” Obviously don’t do this with race, as that would just be racist.
You can also play little games with her. Tell her you’re challenging her to a dance off on the dance floor. If you disagree over something not important, like whether or not hummus is better than salsa, you can challenge her to a thumb war to prove the best dip. These are great, especially because they are playful ways to start getting her comfortable with physically touching you. It’s also great to give a high five at some point because it does break that touch barrier and provide validation.
One way of teasing that doesn’t work as well is the “Oh you like [insert something she really likes]? Well, we can’t be friends anymore.” Even though you are teasing, it sets a really negative, judgmental tone, even in play. And you kind of mean it. It can make her disconnect dramatically. While other teasing says I like you anyway, this one says I don’t really like you. You want to focus on the things you have in common. On a side note, the exception is if she asks you if you agree on an issue, you do want to give your honest response verses just echoing her. Being authentic is totally sexy. If she can’t date someone with your view, then you’re being way better to yourself in the long run by writing her off. You’re your own unique brand of awesome, so grow into your best, most empowered self by pushing your edge, yet being true to your passions.
The other day I got the following question from a guy working the dating scene. Let's call him John. John basically said he had gone on one or two dates with a gal, had a couple phone conversations or text conversations with her, and pretty much knew this woman was never going to ever get the opportunity to run for the girlfriend presidency. Of course he'd be down for a fling, or maybe a friendship, but that was about it. I asked what the deal breaker was and he basically said she had a pretty face and a nice personality but he just felt like she wasn't smart enough for him for the long term. He sees himself with a smarter lady in his future vision. John wanted to know how to tell her.
First of all, I just want to offer gratitude as a woman to John! We deal with so many men who 1) do not communicate that we are not girlfriend material to them or 2) just ghost us.
Save women time by being direct, while putting it in a sweet way that spares her feelings more. Additionally, this saves you time, gets you further towards yours goals, and can help you a) create friendships, b) potentially create a good reputation in that lady's mind, which possibly could come back to help you someday.
Here is the etiquette guide to rejecting a girl:
This is the guide for you if you fit into this category: You meet all of the following: you've been on 1-3 dates or in-person-meetings, you haven't been sexual, and you don't have a super strong relationship by text, messaging, letters, or some other method that I've neglected to think of here. Basically, you're in that initial getting to know you stage, and maybe had some exploratory kisses and opening up conversations. You haven't established a strong level of implied interest. Maybe just some basic interest. (If you've gotten sexual in any form, you should probably take her out for desert or something indulgent and be firm about it not working out, but compassionate and kind. But this guide is not about that level of intimacy.)
Here's what you do:
Because you've met in person, you owe her some words indicating you're not interested if you are not. Otherwise you are leaving her hanging and going through her own personal hell wondering if you're coming back and what she did wrong. So, you're going to call tell her over the phone. Remember that old fashioned way of communicating? Because who wants to hang out with someone just to be dumped by a 2 date wonder? It wastes her time. Text is also not recommended cause things can easily be misinterpreted with out a voice tone. Also, if you call her on the phone, it stands the best chance of ending amicably which will serve you well in the future. It often will not end amicably, but that's OK. She'll be fine. After two dates, you're just not that big of a deal. Just a temporary bruise to her ego.
You could call at the end of the day, say around 7 or 8 and ask what she's up to tonight. If she's not doing something that requires her to shine, ask if she can chat right now. If not, try to set a day and time. Make it a convenient time for her, at the end of her work day. Not before she has to do something important, like lead a group, go on a date, play in a tournament, or go back to work. On the phone, tell her around 3 things you really like about her, but that you just don't see yourself becoming her boyfriend (this makes it about you, not her). You can be honest about why, but be concise, and only tell it to her if it's not insulting. For example: "I think you're extremely hot, you're super clever, and I enjoy our conversations, but I just can't see myself becoming your boyfriend. I know you don't want to have kids, and so I just can't see us as compatible long term."
If it's something insulting, like you don't like her body, or you don't think she's smart enough for you, or you don't know why, you can say "I just feel in my gut that we're not compatible" as the last sentence in the above monologue. It's actually true. Who can argue with that? It's probably the kindest thing you can say. Be firm, don't give her any maybe's. That helps release her, and yourself, to find new love. You can help her get closure by answering her questions and telling her that "someone is going to be so ecstatic to be with you," but try really hard not to lead her on. Don't make her think there's any possibility of you two getting together (even if there is that possibility). You don't have to take her out to tell her this in person when you guys have only been on 3 dates. It wastes her time and yours, and feels awkward for her, too. If you GENUINELY want to be friends with her, you can also add, "But I'd love to be friends with you, and go (insert activity you'd both enjoy) soon with you." At the end of the talk, if you really do want to be friends, ask, "Do you want me to call you sometime to hang out?" "Hang out" is very friend-sounding. And "Do you want" allows her to express what she'd prefer, rather than asking permission with "Can I." Please note that she may say yes just to be polite. You'll have to feel that out later.
Rejecting women so you don't settle for the wrong gal is part of the process to success, just like getting rejected by women. It's the path towards drawing in that amazing woman, the woman it's so easy to love and be loved by. So to recap: if you've only been on a few dates, and haven't sexually bonded her to you, the best method to call it off is phone. Keep it concise, give her compliments, but make sure you tell her you don't see yourself becoming her boyfriend. Voila. No big deal. Maybe uncomfortable in the moment, but you'll both be fine in the end.
P.S. If your interaction with this woman only consists of texts, messages, or emails (or snail mail letters, how cool that you live in the 1800s!), then it can also end by written word as well. I would expect it to.
What's your experience been like rejecting women? Also leave any questions you want advice on, with as much detail as possible!
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How to Heal a Broken Heart2/11/2018
“I want love, but good”
This is a mnemonic sentence that stands for:
indulge, work, learn, believe, and give.
So "I" stands for indulge. First indulge yourself a little but not too much. Have two scoops of ice cream, watcha movie. But you don't want to go over the top. Don't binge eat all night. It's not good for you. Next, is “W” which is for “work,” so work on yourself. Exercise: sweat it out, and drink the recommended amount of water so you can flush all that pain out of your system. Read self growth books, listen to my channel on Youtube. Then L is for learn something. Join a Meetup Group, take a class, or take a workshop at a community center. Try a new meetup group every week. Take a surfing lesson or a ski lesson! Next is believe: believe that you can have a joyful loving healthy relationship. It is in fact possible for you. It is possible for every person out there who is alive, to have a healthy relationship with joy. There are so many people out there looking for that. You definitely can have that. Because why not? Every living creature is worthy of love and is miraculous in the very fact that they are alive. Next is "G" for give and this has to do with giving your time, energy and love. Yes it can be volunteering for charity but it can also be things like calling up a friend and telling them you care about them. It can be babysitting your friend's dog. It could be talking to a homeless guy and just listening. Because what you're actually doing is generating connection as well as giving. You are nurturing and fulfilling connection in your life and in the world which is one of the things you want. So doing all those things is a great part of getting over a broken heart.
Decide it's over. Practice self love. Say, “I love myself” three times a day. Say things you are grateful for. Do fun things. Take it one day at a time. Believe. Know that you can have a healthy happy, joyful relationship. What you believe, you can achieve.
Here’s a good healing ritual. Draw a picture of a woman with open arms towards you and a smile on her face. It can be a stick figure. All around her, write all the things you'd love to have in a woman. Don't write the things you don't want to have. Write the positive things you do want. For example, you probably don't want someone who is mean, so write "kind" on your drawing. Now take this drawing and put it on your wall, or in a drawer that you open every day. This is not your list of requirements for a woman. This is your list of possibilities. You're aware of your wish list now in the back of your mind so now you'll be more open to seeing possibilities and taking action on them. Your dream girl might only have have a few of the qualities from your list, but it will feel right.
However, you may need some time to be single for a while and heal and grow. So the list will work when you are ready.
Also, sometimes after a while of having our full wish list, we’re ready to narrow it down. Then it's time to make a new request and narrow it down to 3 qualities you want and 3 deal breakers. This helps you see and get possibilities faster because it's so pinpointed. There will be another blog on that.
Here's an action list to get you started on healing your heart. See if you can make your own, too:
1. Indulge a little but not too much:
- have a couple scoops of ice cream.
- watch an hour of tv or a movie. Try to make it something that's going to make you feel good
- get a massage
2. Work on yourself:
- do some yoga with a YouTube video
- go on a walk or jog around the block
- read a self growth book that empowers you
3. Learn something:
Attend a meetup.com group
- Sign up for a weekend workshop
- Take skiing or surfing lessons
- Sign up for a community center class
- Practice saying, “I believe I can have healthy joyful love.” Or say it in the way that feels good to you.
- Practice loving yourself. Say, "I love myself" three times a day. Come up with a reason to love yourself that is something that can never change until you are no more.
5. Give something:
- Volunteer at a homeless shelter
- Call people you care about and ask them what's new and listen well
- Take a friend out for ice cream
- Babysit a friend's kid or walk their dog
Studies have shown you can create love-like feelings and infatuation from good eye contact. But you also need to be able to do it without being creepy. Hold eye contact for most of the time, but initially, you don’t want to just stare 100% of the time because it makes you look like a psychopath. The mindset to have here is to push your comfort zone a little bit and hold eye contact a lot because you know it will make her feel good. Perhaps 10 seconds eye contact, then 2 seconds break, then 10 seconds again, and repeat. On a first date that’s probably a good rhythm. And as you know each other more, it can increase. When you talk, you’ll naturally look away a little more, but try to also make good eye contact then, as much as you can. It’s great to try it out with a female friend, or even a male friend, and get their feedback.
Try this technique as well: Focus 8 out of every 10 seconds of the time you make eye contact on the dominant eye. The dominant eye usually appears more awake, alive, open, and focused on you. If you look into an eye and she looks over her shoulder because she thinks you are looking past her, that is not her dominant eye. If you look into a non-dominant eye, sometimes she will seem more discontent or distracted. She might even move her head slightly to move her dominant eye closer to where you are looking. We feel more pleasure and greater sense of connectedness when someone spends time looking into our dominant eye. However, if you can't find her dominant eye, just focus mostly on one eye.
This takes practice. Try practicing with friends to develop the right balance, and get their feedback. Try practicing with eye contact videos on youtube.com. Pretend the girl is saying something to you, and listen to your gut, feeling when it would be too long to keep staring. At same time, push your comfort zone a little. This tip can be a very powerful way to dramatically improve your attractiveness to women.
Practice eye contact with this hot girl below:
And if you want to practice eye contact on me, here's a picture. :)